In my reading of this section of Beloved, I noticed patterns in certain feelings and emotions. The feeling of despair was prevelant in this reading. This despair caused utter turmoil for the characters as they sought to navigate their current lives despite all of their previous trauma.
Sethe often feels guilty for any happiness or appreciation she feels for the world. In one of her first times remembering Sweet Home, Sethe remarks: "although there was not a leaf on that farm that did not make her want to scream, it rolled itself out before her in shameless beauty...it made her wonder if hell was a pretty place too... It shamed her" (Morrison 7). Sethe bitterly grapples with the contrast of such a beautiful place bearing such awful atrocities. Throughout much of the reading Sethe feels guilty or wrong for appreciating good, beautiful things. Often, people who have been through seriously traumatic events, as Sethe has, struggle with this feeling of wrongness when they naturally appreciate something good instead of reeling in their pain all the time.
Sethe continues with this conflict, reflecting that she "had the amazing luck of six whole years of marriage to that 'somebody' who had fathered every one of her children. A blessing she was reckless enough to take for granted, lean on... A bigger fool never lived" (28). Sethe in reflecting on her husband and marriage, instead of allowing herself to appreciate those six years, Sethe can only wallow in her current pain. She feels foolish for relying on companionship and comfort-- things that are necessary for humans to thrive.
Ultimately this suffering has led Sethe to unhealthy ways of dealing with it. She remarks: "all her effort was directed not on avoiding pain but on getting through it as quickly as possible" (46). Sethe rushes her feelings and trauma responses. She doesn't allow herself the time and space to truly dwell in her pain and experience it. While I can sit here and reflect that this is unhealthy by our standards, Sethe knows that with all her pain and trauma, allowing herself to actually feel those emotions and recount those memories would ultimately destroy her.
Eventually, Sethe's own pain and bitterness has affected her daughter. Denver like her mother has bottled up her feelings and pushed her pain down. Morrison describes her meltdown, writing, "Denver was shaking now and sobbing so she could not speak." She continues to reveal the extend of Denver's avoidance of her feelings, calling her crying, "the tears she had not shed for nine years" (17). Even a child has felt the effects of her mother's trauma so heavily that she hasn't expressed her extreme loneliness and sadness that has plagued her entire childhood. When Morrison describes Denver's safe space, she returns to Denver's feelings of loneliness. Morrison writes, "In that bower, closed off from the hurt of the hurt world, Denver's imagination produced its own hunger and its own food, which she badly needed because loneliness wore her out. Wore her out" (35). Denver's loneliness is tiring. Much of the weight of dealing with trauma both first-hand and second-hand is tiring.
Despite all this pain, Morrison's characters also begin to give themselves the opportunity to hope and find some comfort in their lives. Sethe considers this when she wakes up next to Paul D. She "thought also of the temptation to trust and remember... Would it be alright? Would it be alright to go ahead and feel? Go ahead and count on something?" (46). Sethe considers the possibility of allowing herself to trust and rely on something (or someone). This shows some considerable growth in her journey of grief and processing compared to Sethe's earlier consideration that she was "foolish" to ever think that she could depend on and find comfort in her husband. Sethe continues to allow herself the hope to feel even the smallest bit of contentment. Morrison writes, "[T]he notion of a future with him, or for that matter without him, was beginning to stroke her mind" (51). Sethe allows herself to consider the possibility of a future with Paul D as a source of comfort or finding comfort without him. Previously, Sethe has restricted herself to the present, unable to linger too much in her past full of grief and pain but equally unable to consider a future.
This growth is also seen in Paul D. When elaborating on Paul D's own denial of his grief and feelings regarding his friends at Sweet Home, Morrison describes Paul D's trauma response as one full of constant work. Paul D only allows himself limited headspace. He only operates "on the part that helped him walk, eat, sleep, sing" (49). In shutting down all other brain function, Paul D avoids the memories, feelings, and pain associated with his memories of his relationships and past hardships at Sweet House but through his time spent with Sethe "the closed portion of his head opened like a greased lock" (49). This imagery of a greased lock evokes the notion that his change wasn't slow or forced. Even just seeing Sethe started Paul D on this journey of allowing himself to think and feel, not just work.
In just the short time that he's lived with Sethe, both Sethe and Paul D have such large changes in their response to their trauma. Their bond through their trauma and the comfort they find in eachother is innately human. When one experiences trauma, it becomes profoundly easier to address or cope with when reflecting on that or even just spending time with one who has similar experiences. In finding comfort in eachother, Paul D and Sethe have made considerable steps towards their ability to hope despite their trauma and grief.
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